I lied

My dear friends, sorry I didn't confess my true feelings after I expressed my doubt on FB. Everything is not alright at all. I'm just trying to cover the loopholes with a smile. Never judge a book by its cover. *Haven't you learn the lesson? I can't help wondering who's been calling when he's constantly on the phone. Have you ever felt insecure when your bf is with you but his heart is obviously floating somewhere else? He's with me & I should be very sure about his feelings for me. It's hard to continue giving benefit of doubt when he has lost my trust in us. I'm always fighting off the negative vibes & try to keep a cool head. Perhaps to him, whatever "issues" I have with him is just my problem? Is it that hard to try to conform to what I'm comfortable with? Can our love be the ONLY ingredient in a successful relationship?

Marriage is never in my dictionary cos' I have yet to find the ONE. It's just a paper which serve no gurantee. Oh well, unless a couple is filing for divorce, so the women gets alimony? The purpose of marriage paper is for applying HDB and also used for my future children birth certificate? It's a binding law that a couple has to be a couple? I suppose academic qualification papers have better use? In my opinion, my partner have to be the 1st person I wanna share ALL my ups & downs in life. Each time I feel elated or super shitty I will want to turn to him. What is success without the ability to share my trophy with someone who's there for me? Better to stay single then to marry the wrong guy... I will rather stay a spinster instead of living with regrets. Is that theory mine badly skewed?

I'm very grumpy cos' I'm a little lost in transition. I'm making & deciding on some major changes in my life. Everyone is telling to think through what exactly I want to do & go ahead with something I want & stick with it. I'm expecting a bf to be able to give more comments & also act as the role as friend to discuss all the pros & cons with me & not just brush off the topic. All the ONE be my best friend & lover at the same time? Or i'm simply wasting my time who someone who's not suitable for me character & hoping he'll be the ONE eventually? When exactly do we know he's the ONE?

I'm kinda happy in a relationship yet I don't feel enough or contented. Being a perfectionist is tiring. It's about time that I bring my notebook, music to a quiet coffee joint to spend some time restructuring my thoughts. I'm not crazy, but never normal... Looks like I always turn to God for my real answers. Thanks Jesus that I still a point of support who never fails me. Without His unconditional love, I'm nothing.... I'll be forever lost... I love Jesus, God & Holy spirit!!!

Blogging at 3-4am is always therapeutic. After virtual "verbal" vomiting, I actually feels much better. My friend's been laughing at me. I'm such a extreme. Focus & driven but also damn emotional. Are all the cancerians out there just like me?